Today on Broadsheet, Elissa Strauss wrote about Sex and the City and its mythical conception of female friendship. Specifically drawing on the latest trailer for SATC2, which was released this week, in which Samantha says, “We made a deal ages ago — men, babies, it doesn’t matter, we’re soul mates.”

Elissa points out that despite what chick flicks and rom coms would have us believe, it’s actually not so hard to find a guy. It’s the lasting female friendships that you need to worry about. And I couldn’t agree more.

Why is it so hard for women to keep lasting friends? Why are Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda so mythical for so many women?

I’m not sure I know the correct answer, but I am inclined to start with socialization. Yes, it might be a feminist cop out, but I think that the pressure so many women face to be perfect not only affects our self-esteem, but our ability to keep lasting friendships as well.

Throughout my life, I have had a few instances of losing friends – instances which were my “fault,”, their “fault,” and both parties’ “fault.” (I say “fault” because I acknowledge that is difficult to correctly assign blame, if its even warranted, in a situation such as a friendship.) Shortly into high school, I lost my best friend to the cool girls and partying. At university, I butted heads with women whose leadership I disagreed with in extra-curriculars. After university, a former roommate of mine passively aggressively capped off two years of disagreement by unfriending me on Facebook.

All of these situations had the underlying theme of competition. We each thought we were better or more than right than the other, and only one could win and someone had to throw in the towel. Even my friendships that have survived, or gone through conflict and changed, have dealt with competition. I think competition has, for whatever reason, become an integral part of female friendship.

It’s what you do with that underlying competition that makes the difference. I have learned that I will always be fiercely competitive, type A, and an alpha female – it’s just the way I am. However, because of this truth about myself, I try to be honest about and apologetic for that behaviour (when appropriate) and be my friends’ biggest champions. If competition will always exist, why not counter it by acknowledging it and then striving to be the most supportive friend ever? Furthermore, I have learned the importance of being self-aware about what you bring to the friendship (the good and the bad.)

Unlike Elissa Strauss, I don’t feel that the myth of the Sex and the City friendship is an unwelcome reminder about the difficulties of female friendship. It gives me something to feel hopeful about and strive for, even if it is fictitious. I like to think that I can reach that one day. If we dedicate our lives to finding the perfect mate, maybe we can dedicate our lives to finding the perfect friends too.

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