Why I play sports with boys

By Allison McNeely On January 25, 2012 · 11 Comments · In Feminism

WNBA player Lauren Jackson

“I don’t know how to play basketball!”

“I suck at basketball!”

These are the excuses many women use when they are trying to explain why they don’t want to play in a recreational sports league. They’re just not good enough. Which is an unfortunate figment of their imagination.

The truth about rec sports leagues is that none of the guys are that great either. Yeah, there’s always one or two guys on the team who essentially carry the rest of the team (by the nature of being better than everyone else), but most of us lump around the middle and are totally average.

The difference is that men have confidence when they play sports. Men take those selfish, absurd shots that they never are going to make because they’re chasing the glory moment. Men yell obnoxiously from the bench and over-coach the rest of their team. Men pass mostly to each other and rarely to women. They also pile on women because they are often the weakest link on the field/court (and sports chivalry is, of course, when they let that startled fawn have a free pass. So gentlemanly!).

These are the reasons why women don’t play sports. Because of guys. Stay with me.

I believe that many men don’t intimidate women on purpose. They don’t intentionally create an environment that excludes women because guys have been excluding women their entire lives in sports, and they just don’t think about it.

I don’t know about you, but my gym teachers never really tried that hard to make the girls feel comfortable in team sports. I remember feeling absolutely humiliated that I could never hit the ball in baseball, and my gym teacher letting the guys taunt me. I still refuse to play baseball. (Which definitely means I need to play baseball this summer.)

(Also, let us look to professional sports leagues and the insane value that is placed on men’s sports versus women’s. Kobe Bryant made $53.2 million last year. The highest paid WNBA player, Lauren Jackson, earned $103,500 last year. And you can’t even watch the WNBA on normal TV.)

I find that the most confident female athletes I know are the ones who played on women’s teams for years. They got to develop their skills in a good environment and they know they can school the shit out of some guy who “played basketball in high school.” I’m totally going to encourage my daughter to play team sports.

Since I never really played team sports in school, other than a couple of years on my high school rugby team, I like to challenge myself in adult rec leagues.

I am playing recreation basketball for the second season in a row right now. I’m still not very good. I worry about losing control while I’m dribbling, I don’t have the confidence to try any “fancy moves” and I used to always pass the ball to a boy to shoot because I didn’t want to hold the responsibility of screwing up the shot.

I’m trying to do this less. I know that if I put effort into it, I can get better at basketball.

I know that the boys aren’t going to start passing to me unless I improve because that’s just the way it is. They’re going for the shot, and if they can’t make it, they’re going to pass to someone who can. That is, to be fair, how team sports work. But it’s still annoying because it’s recreation league and everyone is supposed to have equal play.

Whenever I hear women making excuses about how they’re unworthy for recreation sports, I’m going to make more of an effort to encourage them. We’re really not that bad. We just haven’t been given the same opportunity for practice. How are you supposed to get better if no one passes to you? You just gotta keep playing, learn to be selfish and to start taking those dick-measuring shots too.

Maybe if more women start playing sports, the cheers will be less pleasantly surprised when we do get the ball in the net. I hate that.

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Tagged with: "rant" • SPORTS!

http://www.bailingbucket.com Rhett Soveran

I think you do men a disservice in this post and I also think you should consider finding a different team if this is your experience. If guys aren’t passing you the ball then find a team with a higher calibre of men. As a man whose played a variety of sports, I’ve played with ball-hogs that wouldn’t pass to me any more than they would pass to a woman. But I’ve also played with an equal amount with team players who understand that it takes a team.

Anonymous

I don’t think I’m doing men a disservice. I think I’m pointing out the difference in socialization for men and women when it comes to sports. At no point do I say that I think men need to accommodate men; I’m saying that I will channel my frustrations into improving my own game.

I agree with your point that there will always be ball-hogs. I’m sure there are many men who don’t get the ball because of ball-hogs, but I can only speak to my experience on sports teams.

I do try to be choosy about my teams (I once quit a team because the captain played favourites in a way that bugged everyone). But because of the nature of rec sports, you don’t always know what you’re getting into until after you’ve plunked down your money and are the middle of the first game.

http://www.bailingbucket.com Rhett Soveran

I should’ve explained disservice better. I don’t feel attacked. I just don’t think it’s necessarily a fair representation of men. Because I wasn’t always the strongest player and I’ve been the guy no one passes too and that feels the same way to me as it does to you.

Anonymous

And that is a totally valid criticism of this post. I’m sure there are many guys who don’t get the ball very often either. Good point.

http://profiles.google.com/colinbrandt Colin Brandt

Allison, great piece, but I think you’re lumping all men into the same boat when it comes to sports. I think that’s a pretty narrow understanding of the culture of athletics and ultimately the kind of reductionist thinking that you’re railing against in the piece. If you’re mad at asshole jock culture, fine, but trust me when I tell you that lumping all guys into that is completely unfair and discounts my own experience almost completely.

Until November 2011, I had never played a game of basketball outside of gym class. Despite being pretty tall and playing a lot of other sports, none of my friends really ever played basketball, and I got picked on so bad in school that gym class was a near-constant terror for me. I got lumped in with the girls more often than not, getting picked last, never getting passed to and ridiculed by teachers and players alike when I messed up. I didn’t want to play basketball, either. I wanted to stick to the things I was good at and not challenge myself because I was afraid of being humiliated – again.

I’ve been playing rec basketball at lunch at MRU for the last 3 months, and I can tell you with complete assurance that I still play with as little confidence as possible during the game. My team includes women who will take – and make – the shots when they are open, who make great defensive plays and have fantastic basketball sense. I’m constantly frustrated by my near total lack of basic skills like layups, post-up moves, setting picks and defence. I panic easily, rush shots and occasionally make a pass to a player who isn’t remotely open. Because I have struggled so mightily since I started playing, I’ve been really discouraged at times, just feeling like I should get off the court and let the players play.

To their credit, those same players that completely embarrass me are also the same ones who shake my hand after the game, tell me to keep practicing and give me positive feedback when I make a play. Some of these people have been playing basketball all their lives; their skills and talents are at a place I’m never going to be able to reach. The best I can ever hope for is to be a decent positional player who uses their height to grab rebounds, make easy baskets and make key passes to the skill players.

Watch an NBA or WNBA game, and you’ll see individuals at the peak of their skills doing the exact same thing. Taller players clog the lane, grab rebounds and look for the open player. Smaller, quicker players find open spots and run pick and rolls. There’s a reason that Kobe Bryant scores 40 points a game; players like Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol are making the key moves to get him the ball. Their positions aren’t as glorified, they don’t get the same number of open shots, but there is no way Kobe is going to win without them. Basketball is a team game, and being a good teammate isn’t worrying about “equal play”, or the number of shots you take. If you can sublimate your ego and make it about the entire team, not just you, there’s a greater value in that play than in the dick-measuring.

I’m never going to be the guy who takes the ridiculous shots, makes the no-look behind-the-back passes and gets 16 steals a game. I’m going to keep practicing, though, so when I play well (like I did yesterday – 4 rebounds, 2 open shots including a pump fake that I had practiced probably 500 times, 2 steals and an assist on the final basket that one the game) and I get the positive feedback from my teammates, I’ll know it’s not condescension. They aren’t going to stop picking me last until I start playing consistently. I’ve been lucky to play with some people who are willing to invest time in helping me become a better player. I practice on my own on days when I don’t have games, working on my shooting and rebounding so I won’t feel so rushed when I have a chance to score.

I understand your frustration about playing with boys, when they jack up the stupid shots and drive the lane only to get plastered and refuse to pass to the open person because they want the glory. It doesn’t have to do with them being men – it has to do with them being shitty teammates. Learning to be selfish will only serve to make playing the game less fun and support the asshole jock culture that you’re actually mad at. It feels good to score, but it feels better to contribute, and the smart players who really know how to play will recognize you for it.

If you ever want a practice buddy, I’m game! We can work on some plays together and maybe we can both improve a bit. I also played a hell of a lot of baseball, so if you need a pitcher for batting practice, let me know, ok? See you on the court (or diamond!)

Anonymous

Colin! How am I supposed to respond to all of this?? You make some great points.

Like Rhett, you make the valid point that guys experience the feeling of exclusion and screwing up on the court as well. I didn’t really consider it because I was writing purely about my own experience, and what I see other women I know experience.

But you’re right. Guys get left out too. Guys feel like they’re not very good and don’t have a lot of confidence either. In fact, one could probably argue that guys have more pressure to be good at sports, and therefore, a harder time when they don’t get passed to.

It was never my intention to lump all guys into one group. If it appears that way, and I can see how it would, I should have chosen my words more carefully.

I see your points about the nature of a team game, and how certain players exist simply to set up Kobe, but I don’t know if that should apply in the recreation environment. In my mind, the recreation game SHOULD be about everyone getting a fair chance for the net. That might not be the best strategy for winning, but I think it’s the most inclusive. Maybe I am putting too much emphasis on scoring, but isn’t that the point?

Encouraging women to be selfish on the court may perpetuate the jerk, jock culture, but I think there are positives to encouraging women to be more aggressive. When there are women who are too scared to even play, I think the concern about perpetuating jock culture may be overstated. We’d have better results focusing on encouraging the jocks to play more as a team.

And people may not be shitty teammates because they’re men, but I don’t think that men are more prone to that behaviour. It’s the end behaviour that I really care about.

And Colin, I will always be game (PUN INTENDED) to play basketball with you.
Anonymous

Colin! How am I supposed to respond to all of this?? You make some great points.

Like Rhett, you make the valid point that guys experience the feeling of exclusion and screwing up on the court as well. I didn’t really consider it because I was writing purely about my own experience, and what I see other women I know experience.

But you’re right. Guys get left out too. Guys feel like they’re not very good and don’t have a lot of confidence either. In fact, one could probably argue that guys have more pressure to be good at sports, and therefore, a harder time when they don’t get passed to.

It was never my intention to lump all guys into one group. If it appears that way, and I can see how it would, I should have chosen my words more carefully.

I see your points about the nature of a team game, and how certain players exist simply to set up Kobe, but I don’t know if that should apply in the recreation environment. In my mind, the recreation game SHOULD be about everyone getting a fair chance for the net. That might not be the best strategy for winning, but I think it’s the most inclusive. Maybe I am putting too much emphasis on scoring, but isn’t that the point?

Encouraging women to be selfish on the court may perpetuate the jerk, jock culture, but I think there are positives to encouraging women to be more aggressive. When there are women who are too scared to even play, I think the concern about perpetuating jock culture may be overstated. We’d have better results focusing on encouraging the jocks to play more as a team.

And people may not be shitty teammates because they’re men, but I don’t think that men are more prone to that behaviour. It’s the end behaviour that I really care about.

And Colin, I will always be game (PUN INTENDED) to play basketball with you.

http://www.moreadventurous.com More Adventurous

I’m going to chime in here as “a confident female athlete”. When I first read this post I thought you had been a bit unfair to guys however I realized that I might have a very different perspective given that I did play team sports all through junior and senior high school.

I would like to point out that female-only sports environments are not always the most supportive environments and that at times when competition is fierce, women often (and sadly) get bitchy, which pains me to say. One thing I have always admired about men in sport is (for the most part) their ability to leave the game on the court. They might trash talk while playing the game but rarely do you see them continue that once the game is over. In fact, I’ve seen guys go up and compliment another dude on a “game well played.” In all my years of competitive sports, not once did I see this happen with women.

Again, I think I must have been quite lucky as my guy friends were always 100% supportive and would come to watch my games (how cool is that?). And, when I played co-ed soccer in my last year of high school, I was just another team member and we were all on board to win. So, whoever was open was going to be the one receiving the pass. The guys on the team were probably some of the coolest people I was lucky enough to play sports with. In fact, I can remember the captain (a guy) helping out a couple of the female players with their passing skills so we could “crush” the opposing team in the next game.

Basically, I think both guys and girls can be assholes in sports, I don’t think this is a gender thing. And, it seems to me if you are part of a team and yet don’t feel like a valued member or aren’t supported by your teammates, then you are playing for the wrong team.

I wonder what would happen though if you asked the better players, male or female, to help you work on your skills. I think that could change your confidence levels and how the rest of the team looks at you on the court.

I think it is awesome that you are out there playing and I do hope you are having fun doing it. At the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about.

Anonymous

Thanks for your comment!

I think that you point to a really positive experience with co-ed sports. My experiences have been less positive, and that’s where I’m writing from. I never meant to imply that all men are assholes, because that’s obviously a ridiculous thing to say.

I have had positive experiences playing with guys before, this is not a zero-sum situation for me, but I have seen a lot of jackasses in my time playing with Calgary Sport and Social.

I do think it is important to note that there are ingrained differences in the way that men and women approach sports. Athleticism is to men as beauty is to women. As such, I think it can create a different culture on the field/court between men and women. I think it’s interesting to look at why that is, and how people who are intimidated (men and women) can respond to feeling intimidated.

http://clockandbell.ca/ Samantha

I like women talking about sports, though I’m not that into sports myself.

This part: “I don’t know about you, but my gym teachers never really tried that hard to make the girls feel comfortable in team sports.” I had the same experience in school, except for one shining moment I still think about. It was Grade 8, and we were playing basketball. My teacher was explaining to us how we could move quickly across the court without actually running, and by instinct I did kind of a sideways shuffle, and my teacher pointed at me and said, “Yes! Samantha, that was perfect.” and I can’t believe how good I felt about myself, this shy clumsy kid who would have rather eaten her own hair than do gym class.

Not exactly what you were talking about, but it just amazes me how seemingly small and easy that gesture was, and how much of an impact it made on me and made me feel so much more comfortable.

Anonymous

Thanks for your comment, Samantha!

I think it is important to note how small experiences and small feelings approach how people (I was writing about women, because that’s what I know, but it really could be all people) sports.